


Probing Conversations

by Devereauxs_Disease



Category: Adam (2009), Charlie Countryman (2013), Hannibal Extended Universe - Fandom, Spacedogs - Fandom
Genre: Adam is sweet, Darko just wants someone to fucking work, Hannibal Extended Universe, M/M, Nigel gets a wrong number call, Nigel needs to cool it with the puns, crack and fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 17:05:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14289390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Devereauxs_Disease/pseuds/Devereauxs_Disease
Summary: Adam calls to check on a possible job. He gets Nigel instead of the person he hopes to speak to. Adam is a sweet little muffin. Nigel is a dirty pun machine. A bit of fluff.





	Probing Conversations

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to Chronicopheliac and the members of the discord server who were discussing how much fun Nigel could have with the name of a certain planet.  
> This was meant to be a one-shot, but if y'all want a sequel, let me know.

          Adam typed the number into his phone with shaking fingers and took a deep breath.

          He could do this.

          He’d spent three hours with Harlan this afternoon carefully rehearsing this phone call. He had several contingencies: One for being put on hold, one for a rejection, and one for if he got the job. Harlan had insisted he was a shoe-in and that they practice the last contingency a few extra times.

          With a nod to himself, he hit the call.

          “What?”

          “Uh.” Adam hadn’t rehearsed a conversation starting with _what_ , the administrative assistant was supposed to say _hello_ or _hello, Dr. Simms’ office_. The man on the other end of the line didn’t sound like Dr. Simms’ administrative assistant, but maybe she was sick? Maybe it was her day off? Maybe-

          “You gonna talk or just wheeze at me?”

          Adam began tapping on his thigh. This wasn’t what he rehearsed. The other person was supposed to say _hello_ then Adam would do his speech. But Harlan had said no matter what happened, Adam should at least get through the first bit.

          Adam filled his lungs with air and rushed through what he’d rehearsed. “Hello Dr. Simms, this is Adam Raki. I was interviewed Tuesday about the job with imaging and wanted to know if I’m still in consideration for the job mapping Uranus.”

          Adam’s heartbeat began to slow. He’d gotten it out with no mistakes or hesitations. Harlan would be proud.

          There was a snort in his ear. “That really depends on what you look like.”

          Adam frowned. “I, uh, I don’t see what my appearance has to do with anything, but I’m told I’m fastidious. And that’s a good quality in a-”

          “Does that mean thorough, darling?” The voice in Adam’s ear rumbled. Adam found he liked the way it sounded, even if it was a bit odd.

          “Yes.”

          Adam heard another deep laugh. “So you’ll really get in there? Inspect every nook and cranny?”

          What an odd way to inquire about the pixel clarity. Perhaps the administrative assistants in the office weren’t versed on technical terms. “I...yes? I believe I can thoroughly scan Uranus for you.”

          “No spot left uncovered?”

          “I will do my best. I usually operate within a five percent margin of error.”

          Adam heard another laugh, this one a bit throatier. He liked the warm way it made him feel. “That’s a good boy, Adam. And how will you be mapping this very sensitive area?”

          “Oh…uh, as I said in my interview. I have developed an imaging program that can help improve the efficiency and clarity of raw images sent by the probe.”

          “I’m all for a probe, darling, but what will you be probing me with?”

          “I...” Adam’s fingers began tapping again. “I’m not sure I understand that question. Could I speak to Dr. Simms?”

          “I don’t know a Dr. Simms, Adam.”

          “Oh, uh, I must have dialed the wrong number.” Adam fiddled with his phone. Sure enough he’d transposed two of the numbers when he dialed.

          “Maybe, but it made my fucking night, darling.”

          Adam cocked his head. “Why would it...OH I SEE, you believed I was saying _Your Anus_ as opposed to referencing the planet of a similar sounding name.”

          “I thought you were offering to eat my ass, yeah.”

          “Oh, well, I’ve never done that before, though I understand it can be pleasurable.” Adam frowned at the phone. “And it would be inappropriate of me to ask, because I don’t know you.”

          “Well, if you do want to know me or my anus, you give me a call back, Adam. Be sure you ask for Nigel.”

          “I...uh...thank you for the offer.” Adam finally decided upon.

          “Anytime, darling. Good luck on your call.”

          The line went dead, but Adam found he had a smile on his face. He re-checked the number on his laptop and dialed Dr. Simms’ office.

* * *

 

          “The fuck are you doing, man? You’re supposed to be pouring drinks.”

          Nigel looked up from his phone, snarling when Darko knocked his boots off the office desk. “I just needed a fucking minute, asshole.”

          Darko snatched the phone. “Still mooning after the ass eater?”

          “Fuck you, you fuck!” Nigel grabbed for the phone, but Darko danced away.

          “Adam, with two fucking hearts next to it!” Darko crowed, avoiding Nigel as he was chased around the desk. “You sure you have a cock to fuck this kid with?”

          “I’d fuck him until he forgot the names of the planets, nenorocitule.” Nigel swiped at air once again as Darko grinned, just out of reach.

          “Good, tell him that.” Darko tapped the screen and tossed Nigel the phone. Nigel starred at the _dialing_ notice in horror, as Darko walked by. “Oh, and Nigel? Remember to put your dick in your pants before you get back to the bar, don’t want any of the customers getting sick.”

          Nigel opened his mouth to respond but stopped short when he heard a soft voice say _hello_ from his phone.

          “H-hello?”

          Nigel sat down heavily in Darko’s desk chair. He could do this. He did this all the fucking time. He rolled his neck and took a deep breath.

          “Hello Adam, it's Nigel.” Wiping a hand over his eyes, Nigel smiled at the stuttered inhale he heard on the other end of the line. “I just wanted to see if you got that job with my anus.”

          A little huff, then, “It's Uranus.”

          Nigel’s grin grew, stretching his cheeks and exposing his teeth. “That's what I said, darling.”

          “You...you're teasing me.”

          “Only a little, Adam. Only to make you smile.” Nigel let his hand idly toy with the buttons on his shirt. “Did it work, darling? Are you smiling?”

          “I didn't get the job.” Adam’s voice sounded so small, Nigel felt the impulse to crawl through the phone and hug him. He shook his head, he didn’t even know what Adam looked like.

          “WHAT? THAT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!” Nigel tried to keep his tone light. “I'll have no one else in my anus but you!”

          There was a long pause, then more huffy breaths. Nigel worried for a moment he’d read the man wrong and made him cry, but he heard a soft snort and narrowed his eyes at the phone.

          “Are you laughing, Adam?”

          “Yes.”

          Nigel felt warm all over, his eyes crinkled in satisfaction. “Good, darling. You let me know if me or my anus can do anything else for you.”

          “Would you-”

          “Yes.”

          That got an annoyed huff out of Adam. “I haven't asked yet.”

          “Whatever it is, yes.”

          “Would you like to know why your pun isn’t funny?”

          Nigel frowned. “It’s fucking funny, Adam.”

          “I-if you met me at the Hayden Planetarium tomorrow at 4, I could show you Uranus and explain why your pun isn't that funny.”

          Nigel blinked. Did he just get a fucking date? Darko had him on shift tomorrow, but this whole thing was Darko’s fault anyway… “I'll be there. I’ll bring my anus.”

          There was a long moment of silence. Nigel was just about to ask if Adam was still there when he heard another huffed breath on the line. “Nigel?”

          “Yes, Adam?”

          “I’m not ready to engage with you sexually yet. This would just be a talk about a planet.”

          Nigel’s mouth tugged at the corners. _Yet_. The fucking kid had said _yet_. “Can I still make anus puns?”

          “I don’t think I can stop you.”

          Nigel tilted his head. “Fair enough. What do you look like, Adam?”

          “Oh, I have brown hair and blue eyes. I’ll be wearing a beige sweater and khakis. S-should I carry a book so you’ll know it’s me?”

          “I think I’ve got it, darling.” Nigel tried to put the picture together in his mind, he liked what he saw.

          “W-what do you look like?”

          “Sharp chin, hooded eyes, strong jaw, tattoo of a girl on my neck. I’m hard to miss.”

          “That sounds odd.” Nigel could almost picture the frown on the kid’s face.

          “I know, but trust me, Adam, it’s sexy as hell in person.”

          “Oh,” There was another long pause and Nigel began to wonder if he oversold his hand. “Then maybe we can kiss after I tell you about Uranus?”

          “You can do whatever you want to my lips or my anus, Adam. I’m free all day.”

          “I’m only free til seven, but that should be long enough for a talk and a kiss.” Nigel found himself chuckling. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Nigel!”

          “It’s a date, darling.”


End file.
